I decided I wanted to dip into the dating pool after a
couple of years, yes, a couple years, of being boyfriend-less. I found the site
that I THOUGHT would be perfect for me, and all you have to do to know what
site it was is to think about the type of person I am. My favorite things in
life are: Video Games, Science Fiction/Fact/Fantasy books, Movies, TV and
music. I like cooking too, and alcohol, but mostly, I’m just a “geeky-nerd”
type who’s more comfortable in a coffee shop or dark theatre than the night
club and crowded events with tons of people. Except for Kid Rock, that was
awesome!!!
Anyway, after signing up for said online dating service, and
paying my $35.00 for membership, I have to admit, I quickly realized that the expectations
and the reality of what I signed up for where so diametrically different, I
quit within only a couple weeks. After corresponding with a few of the men on
the site via quick messages or actual emails, I discovered there was a similarity
between all of them; they were either lonely, horny, or both. But then, there were
some that stood out for the complete lunacy of their awkwardness.
I will share that
lunacy below:
1.
Expectation:
Me: Here’s an honest picture and
description of me, hope you’re the same.
Reality: You: Here’s a dick pic, no profile info, but I think we’re compatible
and should meet up somewhere.
Result:
NO. Nothing more, just NO. But thank you for your message.
2.
Expectation:
Me: Paid $35 for a “Gold” membership, to meet people and send and receive
messages.
Reality: You: Nobody pays for a membership, I can’t see your messages, my real
email is johnsmith at g mail dot com…just make sure you put them altogether
like an email address…
Result:
Oh…that’s how that works? I couldn’t figure it out so I didn’t send you an
email. But thank you for your message.
3.
Expectation:
Me: You’re not religious, you’re not political, and you’re employed right?
Reality: You: Have you accepted Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into your
life? Make America Great Again! Haven’t worked in months…
Result:
If you could never contact me again, that would be great. But thank you for
your message.
4.
Expectation:
My profile: Full figured.
Reality: Your profile: Looking for athletic/slim/slender for threesome, and to
wear your panties on my head.
Result:
I’m not sure that your face and my panties are compatible. But thank you for the
message.
5.
Expectation:
Message subject: We’ve found a match for you!!
Reality: Message details: We got nothing. How ‘bout this guy 2,000 miles away?
Result:
I hear crickets... But thanks for the message.
6.
Expectation:
Me: Let’s talk about LUE (42) for a while to find out if we’re compatible.
Reality: You: Two weeks into talking, you’re in a relationship…with someone
else…
Result:
Sure we can be friends. Thanks for the emails.
7.
Expectation:
Me: Looking for grounded but whimsical guy with optimistic outlook for finding
happiness.
Reality: You: Just got out of divorce, not looking for anything serious, hates
job, hates life, understands if you don’t want to talk with him…
Result:
Kik is full of some very strange, sad people, I’m out. Thanks for the
message.
8.
Expectation:
Me: My Facebook is Stephanie Tittle (Varahn Tet). Friends – 197. Since –
2009.
Reality: You: Prince Dick Bananahammock. Friends – 0. Since – March 16, 2016.
Result:
How do I block people on Facebook again? Thanks for the request.
9.
Expectation:
Me: Is there anyone decent on the internet?
Reality: You: No. Just give up now.
Result:
Welp, I guess I have to put on pants again to meet people. Thanks.
10.
Expectation:
Me: I’m okay with this?
Reality: Me: I’m okay with this.
Result:
I’m okay with this! Thank you!
What
I took away from this experience was; I can never get that time back (or the
money). I can never unsee some of those photos. I will never use an online
dating service again. I decided from that point forward that I would rather make
a predetermined judgment of who I want to date based on the size of your belt
buckle and the sincerity of your smile. Also, if you could look like Sebastian
Stan, that would be a bonus…my panties would definitely fit on that head.
~
Tet
