10 ways to spot a Serial Rampist

That’s right, you read it right, R-A-M-P-I-S-T, not that other horrible type of serial someone…like I would even write about something like that…No!

Driving is an everyday activity for most of us, whether behind the wheel or in a passenger seat, rarely a day can go by that we are not in our cars driving to and fro on the highways and byways of this country. It’s hard not to notice the number of cars that fill the lanes, and the number of different drivers behind those wheels. Of the every kind of driver out there, it was a select few that caught my attention more than any other.

I’m talking about those certain drivers when you are approaching an on ramp, or off ramp, depending upon which way you look at it, that just can’t figure out how to smoothly get on, or off, or drive on the freeway near a ramp, no matter how hard they try. The drivers that you either shake your head and laugh at or just want to throw your steering wheel at when you see them.

But for those of you that have not had the opportunity to spot your local ‘serial rampists’, here are the most common signs to look for while on the road:

1. The out of state plates-Generally these drivers are from places like, North Dakota, Michigan or Illinois. Sporting blue hair or a personalized “CHZHD” plate, these drivers are seen most often in places where there is a high percentage of warmer weather during winter. You spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what those letters meant anyway? Leading to tell-tale sign #2.
2. The Snow Bird-Usually driving an RV, they fill the roads of your towns and cities when the weather is the best, and when you are out and about too. They have been known to run the red light leading to the ramp, but stop at the green to merge off the ramp. Leaving you wondering if they are indeed color blind? Often times this happens while placating the wishes of #3.
3. The female rampist-They can be easy to spot as they are usually only getting off for a potty break, but don’t like THIS exit. “Did you see that gas station? It looks like Norman Bates is the owner. I’m not going in there.” Exiting anyway, zooming across the over pass, they decide to get back on the off ramp until they find the exit that IS the best one. Quite possibly though, you’ve just passed #4.
4. The male rampist-Even easier to spot as they are normally seen on the side of the ramp peeing into the bushes with a frustrated and embarrassed wife or girlfriend still sitting in the car. They don’t care what exit they are on, the first one is always the best. Right guys? This guy is always better than #5.
5. The anti-rampist-You SEE them exit in front of you, but you immediately veer into the lane next to you as their distinct “Bondo” and primer grey ‘78 Camaro flies back onto the freeway FROM the ramp, crossing lane, median and all driving regulations to get there. Why did they do that? Are they the younger less patient predecessor to #6?
6. The signaler-Staying in the right lane, their signal stays on for every exit until they find the one they need. For miles that blinker stays on and your only wish is that they are actually getting off…this exit…no, this exit…no, this exit. Did anyone let them know about Mapquest? Or maybe they are trying to stay one step ahead of #7.
7. The quick ramp artist-This driver will zip off the freeway from three lanes over when even a smattering of brake lights appear ahead of them. Exiting onto the surface streets until they pass the jam, and then getting back on. Only to find they are in the same spot they were in if they had just stayed in the traffic. Idiot… These drivers create the monster that is #8.
8. The full stop rampist-This driver sees vehicles entering onto the freeway in an orderly fashion but somehow can’t manage to adjust their speed accordingly and comes to what is a complete stop to accommodate them, ALL of them. Much to your dismay as the next lane over is now moving at 65 mph with no chance of a lane change for you. But a chance for driver #9.
9. The motorcyclist-This driver is in a class of their own. Whizzing about on two wheels, passing you on the right, cutting in front of you with only inches to spare, zooming to the left, up the shoulder of the road or ramp next to you, wanting to get ahead of everyone. Deep down, you wish for a highway patrolman to be there waiting for them. Truly a menace that can only be out done by #10.
10. The big rig rampist-Quite possibly the most feared of all serial rampists. They own the ramps. Their rigs can be seen dotting any on ramp, off ramp, rest stop, roadside gas station, diner, casino, or Dairy Queen they want. Do not try to get into a merge battle with these 18 wheels of driving fury. Best to let them just go right on ahead.

If you spot or even encounter any of the above rampists, my only advice is to remember your initial training here today and do what you can not to engage these drivers near ramps where they have the most power. If you do, you might want to use your brights, a few hand gestures, maybe even a very loud honk or two to distract them long enough to make your get away.

Except for big rigs, leave them alone. Seriously! Have you seen Ice Road Truckers?

~Tet~